The Myth of the Perfect Youth Pastor #23

Myth #23

The Perfect Youth Pastor will be a Singer, Guitar Player, Comedian, Dynamic Speaker and Technology Wizard.

I have been around student ministry for a long time and I have met some amazing youth pastors. They continually astound me with their gifts and talents. We were at a youth retreat a number of years back and the speaker was absolutely incredible. Every time he spoke, he did so for at least an hour to a middle school audience and had them captivated the entire time. He used hilarious video clips and had even created some himself.

At the end of the retreat, he broke out his guitar. He asked the group to shout out names of people at the retreat and things that had happened. Then he proceeded to make up a very entertaining song intertwining lessons we had learned, names of students and fun things they did during the weekend.

I was in awe and I was feeling quite inadequate about my own abilities. As if the self-inflicted wound to my pride was not bad enough, I had to endure a four-hour van ride with 15 middle school students who talked about this speaker the entire way home. My insecurities were on overload.

This was a long time ago, but the memories are still pretty fresh. I remember spending the next few months trying to be like him. I tried to emulate this speaker’s style. I tried to emulate his humor. I even tried to co-opt some of his personal stories and make them my own. In short, I tried to be someone I am not. In the process, I dishonored God and lied to my students.

I learned some really important lessons through that experience. First, I learned one of the tricks to the trade – that many retreat speakers typically have about five messages they recycle over and over. It is no wonder they are good at them – they have a lot of practice!  That, however, is beside the point.

Second, I learned that God wants me to be authentic. He wants me to be honest. He wants me to use my story and how he has worked in my life, not someone else’s.

He wants me to use my experiences and how he has shaped me through them. He wants me to be myself. He has given me certain gifts and abilities and they are no less important than the retreat speaker’s gifts and abilities.

I have been created in Christ Jesus to do good works, works he has prepared me to do. If he has prepared them for me, then he has equipped me to do them. I do a great disservice to that plan when I try to use someone else’s gifts to accomplish what I think is the plan.

Finally, I learned that I have been called to do what I am doing just like the retreat speaker has been. God called me in spite of the fact that I cannot play the guitar, do not have a goatee, have no real discernible skills with technology and do not have the ability to captivate an audience for hours on end.

Why did he call me? Your guess is as good as mine, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it has something to do with his ability to work through my weaknesses and not a whole lot to do with my abilities.

The Myth of the Perfect Youth Pastor #22

Myth #22

The Perfect Youth Pastor expects everyone in the church to compromise to suit the tastes of students.

I was pretty hard on churches in Myth #12.   Many churches expect students to appreciate the way they do things, but are not willing to change themselves. Many church members expect their youth pastor to teach students the art of compromise while refusing to change. It is a common problem.

Equally common though are the youth pastors who try to force change upon a congregation, but refuse to expect any from the students they teach. We complain about those “old people” who are stuck in their ways. We complain that our church needs to update the music and become “relevant”. The music is too outdated and the service is too boring. So, we hide in the youth room and make fun of all those stodgy old folks.

I fear in our quest to make church more relevant to teens and younger believers, we alienate some very godly people. We forget that relevance is relative. What is irrelevant to one believer is relevant and quite meaningful to another. A 19^th Century hymn may not inspire a 19-year-old, but 19-year-olds are not the only people God desires to encourage and challenge.

In our drive to make church hip, cool, entertaining or a host of other adjectives, we have unwittingly communicated something very damaging to the students we teach. We have taught them that everyone else must bend and change to suit their tastes. Instead of teaching our students to bear with one another, we have communicated a very selfish and self-centered message.

I cannot imagine what some of these students will be like 50 years from now. They will be the “old people” one day and will have grown up expecting every church they attend will bend over backwards to make them happy. I already feel bad for the pastors and youth at those churches.

Perhaps instead of demanding our way, we can start to teach our teens to appreciate different methods and styles of worship? I know it sounds crazy, but I think it is biblical. It also may be a whole lot more effective at winning others over and encouraging them to be more open to change.

The Myth of the Perfect Youth Pastor #21

Myth #21

The Perfect Youth Pastor will demand to be treated with respect like other pastors while acting like one of the students he leads.

Much of what I am going to write from here on out is going to be somewhat painful. It will anger some of you. It may hurt some of you. It may even convict some of you. If it angers or hurts, I apologize. If conviction is felt, you will have to take that one up with God.

If we were to get 10 youth pastors together in a room, they would undoubtedly wind up complaining about not getting any respect. If you have followed this series, you may think I am doing that as well, but I am not. While I do believe youth pastors, by and large are treated as second-class pastors, I do not believe we can claim it is all unfair. Quite honestly, some of that treatment is a product of our own immaturity.

We have all had students who think they deserve to be treated as adults simply for drawing breath. They demand to be treated with respect while acting like a child. They throw tantrums, stomp their feet and scream that they deserve to be given freedom.

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect as a human being, created in the image of God. But, that is just one aspect. Respect is also earned…and lost. Paul told Timothy not to let anyone look down on him because he was young, but he also told him to set an example. That example is what earned him greater respect. That example is what earned him the right to be included into full adult fellowship. The same is true with youth pastors.

We deserve respect because we are created in the image of God. We deserve respect because we have been called to be pastors. But, we do not have the right to be included into full pastoral respect until we start setting an example and many times we do the exact opposite.

One Sunday a few years ago, I was preaching. After the service was over I was speaking to a husband and wife and they shared some disturbing information. They were visiting for the first time and when they heard that the youth pastor was speaking, they almost went to another church. Thankfully, by the grace of God, my message had pleasantly surprised them, but I asked them why they would leave just because the youth pastor was speaking. The answer was convicting. The reason, they explained, was because they had heard many youth pastors speak and had never had a good experience. Youth pastors ramble and never seem to put any real effort into their sermons, they said.

There are youth pastors who put a lot of thought and prayer into their messages and lessons, but apparently this couple had never heard any and they had formed an opinion based on those negative experiences. It is not fair and it is not right, but perception is reality to people and there is a perception that youth pastors are careless with the word of God. There are many other negative perceptions as well and we must realize none of them have been created in a vacuum.

Before we demand respect, we need to step back and take a look at ourselves. Do we take our ministry seriously or do we use our position as a youth pastor in order to live in a state of perpetual adolescence? Do we submit to authority? Do we take responsibility for our mistakes? Do we demand grace without giving any? Are we careful with our words? When we get the opportunity to speak on a Sunday, do we rightfully divide the word of God or do we just wing it and hope no one notices?

We have a large hill to climb in many churches, but if we start taking ourselves seriously, others will do the same.

The Myth of the Perfect Youth Pastor #20

Myth #20

The Perfect Youth Pastor spends five hours a week in the office and 35 hours playing video games and calls it work.

I love video games. Seriously…if I was single and had no children, I would probably have every game system known to man and I would never sleep or have meaningful interaction with another human being…unless you count Xbox Live.

Back in the day my brother and I played 24 straight hours of Asteroids on our Atari just to see how many times we could get the score to roll over to zero again. I am a sucker for a computer generated adventure, a monkey with a barrel or an eight-bit space ship shooting two-dimensional space rocks.

I also happen to love Television a bit more than I should. I get hooked on no less than two new shows a season. I could sit in front of the idiot box for days on end and not feel a bit guilty about doing so. I would eat in front of the television and I would happily fall asleep with the soft glow of digital entertainment soothing me.

I love technology. Every new cell phone, every new computer and every new Ipod has strange power over me. When I get a new cell phone, I obsess over the fingerprints on its sleek black frame. When a new computer comes my way, I spend hours getting everything just right – from the arrangement of the Desktop icons to the color of the Taskbar.

Student Ministry is perfect for me.

I work with a group of people who love many of the same things I do and that can be a dangerous thing. It is very easy to spend a few hours playing Madden football and claim it is work. It is very easy to spend a few hours watching television and justify it by claiming I am keeping up with youth culture. When Instant Messenging was the new thing, it was very easy to spend a few hours IMing students, claiming I was doing ministry.

Those things do hold value and I fully recognize them. I have had some very serious conversations through IM. I have had some fantastic conversations and have gained some valuable insight into the life of some students while playing Halo or NBA Live. I am not discounting the ministry that can and does happen through those things.

However, there are many youth pastors who abuse the unique nature of student ministry by playing games and claiming it as work. Many would find it perfectly acceptable to spend hours getting to the next game level and minutes preparing a lesson or praying for their students. Then we complain that no one takes us seriously.

Please realize that I am using video games, TV and computers to illustrate a broader point.  We could substitute watching sports, mountain biking, etc and the point still stands.

We need to be honest about how we spend our time. It is not all ministry. It is not all work. Some of it is just an excuse to play.

The Myth of the Perfect Youth Pastor #19

Myth #19

The Perfect Youth Pastor is much smarter than his senior pastor and can do a much better job.

One of the many jobs I had in my late teens and early twenties was at a grocery store. I stocked shelves. I worked at the checkout counter. For six years I worked at this store and during that time, I had the privilege of witnessing hundreds of temper tantrums from little children.

Every parent knows the feeling of standing in the middle of a store with a screaming, whining or crying child and every parent knows the feeling that everyone around them is watching and quietly judging them and their parenting ability. The funny thing about these moments is that rarely do other parents judge other parents. The judging typically comes from the 16-year-old grocery store employee whose main goal in life is to get to the next level of Halo or find the perfect shade of lip gloss.

I know because I was that 16-year-old. Of course my main goal was to get to the next level of Pac-Man, but that is beside the point. The point is, the people usually doing the judging are people in no position to do so. They have not stood in the shoes of the parent with the screaming child. They have never had to deal with a child with a learning disability or emotional issues. In short, they have never experienced the pressure-packed life of a parent, but that does not stop them from quietly believing they could do better.

Over the years, I have met many youth pastors who take a measure of joy in criticizing their senior pastor. They speak to members of their church about the shortcomings of the man they work under. They criticize him. They find fault with him. They quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) believe they could do a better job of leading the church in which they serve. They boast about their superior ability to speak and teach and feel it is appropriate to criticize every aspect of their senior pastor’s presentation.

I need to be up front here…I have been that youth pastor at times. I have been puffed up and arrogant about my perceived ability to lead a church better than the men God has called to do so. One of thing the Lord has taught me over the last few years is; I was clueless.

I have no idea what my lead pastor goes through. While student ministry is difficult at times, it is only one part of the overall ministry of the church and the lead pastor is responsible for all of it. Truthfully, our elder board of which I am a part are responsible for the overall ministry of the church, but when something goes wrong, the lead pastor gets the call, not me or any of the other elders. While I have had the privilege of preaching on many occasions, I have no idea what it is like to prepare a Sunday message week-in and week-out for years on end.

While many youth pastors use their experience as a means to seek a “promotion” (see Myth #13), many are wholly unqualified to do so, but they have spent so much time criticizing those who do lead and building themselves up, they have overlooked their own shortcomings.

Being a youth pastor does not qualify us to lead a church. We need to be humble and honest and admit that. After that, we need to throw our full support behind the one God has called to lead. We must defend him. We must encourage him. We must help him. We must pray for him.

Want to know what will happen when we do those things? We will be blessed. Our ministries will be blessed. Our gifts will be blessed. Why? Because God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

The Myth of the Perfect Youth Pastor #18

Myth #18

The Perfect Youth Pastor believes he is the sole authority on youth culture and how to minister to students.

Arrogance is commonplace on college campuses. No matter what college, no matter what the field of study, college students are renowned for believing they have it all figured out and no one is safe from their perceived wisdom.

Before I head down this road, a little background information is needed. I was a late-bloomer in Christianity, becoming a believer at 21 years old. Consequently, I was a late-bloomer in student ministry. I had never been part of a youth group, gone on a youth retreat, attended a youth lock-in or been on a mission trip.

Shortly after becoming a Christian, I started hanging out with the youth pastor at my church. We became friends and he is the one who encouraged me to pursue a career in student ministry. When I began my Bible College training, I was a baby Christian. I did not know the books of the Bible. I barely even knew the difference between the Old and New Testaments. In short, I was a biblically and ministerially ignorant. That did not stop me from having an opinion though.

I distinctly remember criticizing the youth pastor who had loved me and mentored me. Looking back, some of the criticism was warranted and I believe he would say the same today. But, I was in no position to be the one offering the criticism. It is easy to be idealistic in college. It is equally easy to sit in the safety of a Bible College classroom and criticize those who are in the real world of ministry. Untested methods of ministry will always look better than those that are being tried with actual people in actual churches. The teaching skills of one who has never taught will always seem greater than the skills of the one who has to prepare multiple lessons week-in and week-out.

The arrogance did not stop at graduation though. You see, I had fallen into a trap that has claimed many youth pastors. It is the trap of thinking we know more than we do, are better than we really are and have the answer for any situation youth ministry throws our way. It is this trap which destroys many youth pastors and leaves a bad taste in the mouths of many churches with regard to student ministry and youth pastors.

During my first few years of student ministry I would have been a much better youth pastor had I not thought more highly of myself than I should. I did not have all the answers. I did not have the market cornered on teaching. Honestly, despite four years in college, I had no idea what I was doing, but that did not stop me from pretending.

Looking back, I see a young youth pastor who had a relatively successful ministry. But, I also see a young youth pastor who would have had an amazing ministry if only for want of a little humility.

Youth pastors, listen up…it is okay to admit we do not have all the answers. It is okay to take the advice of our volunteers, parents and other pastors. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help when we know we need the help. Everyone around us knows we need the assistance and our credibility is damaged when we pretend not to need them.

The Myth of the Perfect Youth Pastor: Where Do We Go From Here?

I have spent a considerable amount of time writing about the expectations placed on youth pastors by others. Though it may not seem to be the case, I have tried to be as gentle as possible with the unbiblical expectations placed on us everywhere.

Now the gloves need to come off. It is time for a little personal introspection, a time to take a look at the expectations youth pastors have of themselves and the churches in which we serve. A warning is in order here…some of you may not like what you are about to read.

It is very easy to hold a mirror up to others and very difficult to look in that mirror ourselves, but it is time.

My personal conviction is that we youth pastors have dug our own holes in many instances. We have created many of our own problems. Oh, we love to blame others. We love to complain. We love to shift blame and scapegoat.

It is time to stop. The time has come to hold up the mirror and take a look at ourselves and see how we have contributed to our own struggles.

The Myth of the Perfect Youth Pastor #17

Myth #17

The Perfect Youth Pastor will have treat all students equally and not have any favorites.  He will spend equal time with everyone.

Playing basketball in elementary and middle school was an exercise in futility for me. The physical ability was noticeably absent and if you add to that the fact that I just didn’t take it seriously and rarely gave it my all, you have a recipe for a pretty poor ball player. I scored an average of two points each year and fouled out of most games. If you can not score I reasoned, then you may as well keep the other guy from doing it – at all costs.

There was a moment, after about six years of toiling in bench-warming obscurity when I finally realized this was not for me. My memory of the event is kind of fuzzy, but I remember being hurt and embarrassed. For the first time in my basketball career, someone had told me the truth.

I brazenly approached the coach and asked him if I could have more playing time. The old adage, “don’t ask a question for which you don’t want the answer” applied to this situation. No kidding…the guy laughed. Then he asked, “do you really think you deserve more playing time?” Then he said, “I need to play the guys who work hard and give us a chance to win.” Obviously this was a different time – a time far removed from the everyone’s a winner and don’t keep score because it might hurt someone’s feelings philosophies that dominate many sports leagues today.

If this scenario plays out today, that coach is guaranteed an angry phone call from a parent. He would undoubtedly be accused of playing favorites. He may even be fired. Today’s youth pastors face something similar.

We work with a difficult group. For the most part when they were children, they wanted to be in church. They wanted to do the crafts and play the games. When they become adults, if they go to church, it will be because they want to be there. They will have a choice. Teens are different.

They have outgrown the joy of Elmer’s Glue and Glitter and for the most part, have to be dragged out of bed to attend Sunday School. They are the one group who really does not want to be there. They would rather be sleeping, texting or eating. There are the exceptions of course – there are students who choose to be there and want to grow in their faith. They put in the effort and are engaged with the lessons. But mostly, they are the exception rather than the rule.

Over the years, I have grown very close to some of the students in my ministry. Typically the ones I grow close to are the ones who want to be there. Teaching them is a joy. Leading them is easy. It is a natural occurrence. People tend to enjoy the company of those with whom we share common interests and youth pastors are no different.

I do not ignore the students who are difficult. I still talk to them. I still try to teach them. I take them out to lunch, visit them in school and go to some of their games. But, for some people in past churches, that was not good enough. I was accused of favoritism. Complaints were made that I was not spending equal time with each student. I was spending too much time with one group of students. Well, duh!

Here is the truth so brace yourself. There are two reasons youth pastors spend more time with certain groups of students. The first reason is that we are human. As I said, people are drawn to others who share their interests and goals. It is natural. The second reason is one of intentionality and intelligence. I spend more time with the students who are serious about their faith because they have the greatest potential to help me reach those who are not. I am one man. If I am spreading myself out, trying to be all things to all people, then I am not going to be effective. If I try to invest equal effort into every student then no one will get my best and the ministry as a whole will suffer.

Conversely, if I invest more time with those students who want to be there, who want to grow, then they will become my advocates and my partners in ministry. As they grow, they will influence the others around them. This model is not without precedent either.

I am by no means Jesus, but he spent an exorbitant amount of time with just 12 guys. He had his core group and if he were in today’s church, he would probably get fired for the “favoritism” he showed. But, why did he do it? Was he being unfair to everyone else by spending so much time with the disciples? No. He was being smart. If he had tried to spend equal time with everyone, his effectiveness would have been seriously diminished. He was investing in this group so they could help, so they could continue the work after he was gone. If you have not noticed, the plan worked and has been working for over 2000 years.

That still may not satisfy someone reading this. You may be thinking it is completely unfair. Sorry, but I do not care. God has not called me to make everyone feel good, he has called me to lead a student ministry and the best way to lead a group of people is through multiplication and duplication. I will reach many more students if I have a group around me who shares my vision and commitment. That means I will have to spend more time with that group. That may look like favoritism, but it is not…it is biblical.

After my basketball coach told me the truth, I moved on. I quit playing (or trying to play) basketball, but I did not stop playing sports. I took up two new sports and found out that I was pretty good at that those. Funny thing is, while I was playing different sports, we were all shooting for the same goal – to bring a championship home to the school. We were all playing for the same objective, but doing so in different ways.

Every student in my ministry will not respond to me, my personality or my methods. They may not like the way I “coach” the team. But, if I train up more coaches who have different personalities and different styles, more students will be encouraged to play and pursue the goal.

The Myth of the Perfect Youth Pastor #16

Myth #16

The Perfect Youth Pastor will allow unbiblical treatment of him and his ministry without voicing concern.

A few years ago I was being criticized for a few things. As is the case with most people, when the criticisms start flowing from our mouths, they rarely stop at just one.

Out of a large church with a large youth ministry, there was a small minority who were not happy.  So, the church leadership decided to bring in a youth ministry “consultant” who proceeded to do a survey of various people. I was okay with this method until I found out it was an anonymous survey. People were asked to answer a litany of questions about me, my character and my ministry abilities and they were promised no one would know who said what.

The surveys came back. Honestly, there was some pretty good stuff in most of them. There were a few things that were not very good though.

To be fair, some of the criticism had merit, but I’m not writing this to debate the merits of an anonymous survey done almost 10 years ago.

What I take issue with is the manner in which the survey was taken and the actions that were taken as a result.

Youth pastors everywhere are frequently the target of anonymous complaints. Some churches do the right thing and ignore them. Many others do the unbiblical thing and allow those anonymous complaints to determine how they will “discipline” their youth pastor. It doesn’t matter if the anonymous complainers are in the minority. It doesn’t matter how many people come to the youth pastor’s defense publically. The anonymous complaints are given more weight.

Church leaders and Senior Pastors, let me talk to you for a moment. If we were to ask people in your church to fill out a survey about you, how many complaints would we get? More to the point, would you even allow such a thing to be done? How many of you would formulate a plan of action for yourself based on the complaints of a small minority of people?

Let’s forget about a survey for a moment. Would any Senior Pastor or Elder board believe that the complaints of one or two people whether anonymous or not, merited a plan of action or a discipline procedure especially when an overwhelming majority of people in the church did not share those complaints?

Youth pastors deserve respect – if not for their abilities or God-given position, at least for the fact that they are created in His image. If you have issues with your youth pastor, deal with them, but do so in a manner that reflects that reality. If someone has a complaint about your youth pastor- anonymous or not – give him the benefit of the doubt until that person does the biblical thing and goes to his or her brother first. If they don’t do that their complaint should not be given a hearing. If they do the right thing and go to him, but the complaint persists, then weigh the evidence. That means you do a little investigating and find out if others feel the same way. Don’t formulate a discipline procedure based on one or two complaints.

This may seem like an odd “Myth” to write about, but everywhere I go, I hear stories of youth pastors who have been treated horribly by the leadership of their church. Each story is unique, but the manner in which they are treated is not. In many of the cases, these youth pastors have been told to – more or less – “suck it up” and when they have tried to defend themselves against exaggerated tales of wrongdoing they are told not to do so.

Youth pastors aren’t perfect, but they are pastors and leaders in the church. They should be treated with that in mind.

As a follow-up to the story above…God has done an amazing work, both in my life and in the life of the church mentioned.  He used a bad situation to bring him glory.  I am a better pastor and they are a better church.  We have all learned some very hard, but valuable lessons which have made us look a little more like Jesus.

The Myth of the Perfect Youth Pastor #15

Myth #15

The Perfect Youth Pastor will be able to convince any student who doesn’t want to come to church to faithfully attend.

It’s happened on numerous occasions. Someone approaches me on a Sunday and asks me to call their child or their grandchild or a friend of their child or a friend of a friend of their child. The child in question is usually involved with drugs or alcohol or they’ve recently been convicted of some misdemeanor or another. Sometimes they are struggling with depression, anxiety or they just plain hate the world.

It goes something like this:

“Pastor, do you think you could call my son’s friend? He doesn’t come to church, but I really think he could use your help and if YOU talk to him, I’m sure he’d come to church.”

Or…

“My son just got caught drinking and driving. He has never been to your youth group, but he really needs some help and I think you’d be able to convince him.”

Before I get too deeply into this, I need to be clear. I am by no means making light of the aforementioned things. Students are in a very difficult period of their lives and the mere fact that someone cares enough to find them help is wonderful. That said however, whenever I am asked to call a student I don’t know to speak to them about an issue they don’t know I know about, in order to offer help they didn’t think they needed, I get a bit uncomfortable.

Call me crazy, but if some stranger called me out of the blue to offer help with something my mom or grandma told them about, I’d be a little put out and the last thing I would do is welcome that help with open arms.

Why do people think youth pastors have an innate ability to convince any teenager or young adult that they should stop whatever it is they’re doing and come to church? More to the point, why do people think that’s even fair to ask?

I know several counselors and they don’t typically cold-call potential clients. My dad is a counselor and I know if someone asked him to call a friend to help them, he’d tell them no. Why? Because one of the first rules in counseling is people need to want help first.

I also know that not too many people would think about asking their senior pastor to call their brother’s best friend who doesn’t come to church, doesn’t know the pastor from Adam and has recently been arrested for selling prescription drugs to friends. No one would think of asking their choir director to cold-call some complete stranger and ask them to be in the choir. But, people don’t think twice about asking the youth pastor to do just such a thing.

I’m committed to student ministry. I love teaching and helping students. My spiritual gifts are supernatural (only because God has given them to me), but there is no gift that gives me the ability to feel comfortable about calling a stranger to help them with something they didn’t even know they needed help with and then miraculously convince them to accept the  help they didn’t think they needed.