Myth #11
A perfect youth pastor will take responsibility for the failures and mistakes of every student in the youth ministry.
I was a wrestler in Middle School and High School. Suffice it to say, I was not very good for my first few years. Actually, that’s an overstatement because it implies that I had some ability to wrestle and that is far from the truth. To put it simply, I was terrible. I got pinned more times than I can count. When I wasn’t getting pinned, I was getting Tech Falled (something similar to the mercy rule in baseball whereby an opponent amasses a huge number of point in a short period of time prompting the match to be stopped to prevent any further embarrassment). One humiliating defeat after another piled up over the course of my first season. But, aside from consistenly losing, there was something else that remained constant – the support of my mom and dad.
I didn’t have a clue why a parent would faithfully attend their son’s wrestling matches week in and week out only to see him get pounded – that is – until I had my own children. I am so proud of my son and daughter. We celebrate every little accomplishment from uttering the first word to pooping on the potty. Being a dad truly does inspire moments of pride. But, there’s one more thing that is inspired by one’s children…embarrassment.
I can’t count how many temper tantrums we have endured in public places. There was the time the pre-school class was singing in the annual Christmas program. The church was full. The family members were all there. Then it happened…my son decided he wasn’t going to sing and ran off the stage crying. This was funny and cute to everyone watching, but to my wife and I, it was a bit embarrassing. Then there was the time the class came up on stage and my son wasn’t with them. A little frightened, I walked downstairs only to find my son hanging out with another adult. Apparently he decided he didn’t want to sing and ran away from his class as they were heading upstairs to perform.
Every parent has had to endure similar things at one time or another and every parent struggles with the feelings that come as a result. There are times when I take ownership of the behavior and feel as if it reflects poorly on me as a parent. I am quickly learning that I am not responsible for every childish thing my children do or say. I’m also learning that every other parent experiences similar things. Nothing makes a parent feel better than when they see another child throwing a fit! The truth is, they are children and as such, they will act like children and as a parent, it is not healthy to take responsibility for every childish thing they do.
Unfortunately, at times youth pastors feel the need to do the same thing. When one of our students fails, we feel like a failure. When one of our students gets pregnant, we sometimes feel as if we need to apologize to the parents for not doing enough. When we are at a retreat and our students aren’t taking part in the activities, we feel it’s our fault. Worse yet, when our group is spiritually immature, we quietly wonder if that is a reflection on our leadership or teaching ability.
I remember a time right after I started in Youth Ministry – we had just finished a youth retreat and I felt like a failure. None of the students seemed to enjoy themselves. None of them seemed to “get anything” out of the retreat. When I got home, I drove to my parent’s house and spoke to my dad. Soon after our conversation started, I began to cry. I felt like there was something I wasn’t doing right and if I didn’t figure out what that something was, my students were going to be lost.
My dad gave me some sage advice. It wasn’t an earth-shattering revelation, but just a bit of wisdom from someone who had a lot more of it than I did. I am not the Holy Spirit (See, I told you it wasn’t earth-shattering). I am not responsible for the spiritual growth of my students. I am not responsible for their actions, their attitudes or their sins. I can only do so much. I can only do my best and pray that God uses my feeble efforts to change the hearts of those students. That has been a difficult thing to learn because everything around me tells me something different.
When a student breaks something in church, the youth pastor is the one who usually has answer for it.
When a student gets caught making out in a dark corner of the church building, the youth pastor is typically the one who is blamed for “not supervising” the teens.
When a group of students are fooling around during the church service, who gets the call? You guessed it…the youth pastor.
If a student doesn’t like the youth meeting, it is the youth pastor who must answer for that. Rarely will a complaint about a “boring” youth meeting be met with any requests for a little personal introspection on the part of the teen.
When a student doesn’t have any friends in the youth program, it is typically the youth pastor’s responsibility to find some friends for them. If that student is socially awkward and can’t make any friends it is usually blamed on the “unfriendliness” of the youth or the “cliques”. That is blamed on…you guessed it…the youth pastor. It couldn’t possibly be something those students learned from watching their parents sit in the same seat, next to the same people and shake the same hands every Sunday could it?
Youth pastors, I want to tell you something so listen up. Repeat after me if you must. Your student’s failures ARE NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. They are teens and worse yet, they are imperfect teens. They may have a perfect Savior, but they are far from it…just like you and everyone else. They will make mistakes. They will get pregnant. They will get arrested. They will get caught drinking and driving. They will break stuff. They will be rude at times. They will be loud.
Sometimes they won’t like your lesson. They will not change. They will not grow. Don’t take it personally. You are not the Holy Spirit and you can’t change their hearts. Do the best you can with the gifts you have and let God do what God does best.
Churches, pastors and parents…listen up. Repeat after me if you must. Your youth pastor is NOT responsible for every stupid, foolish, sinful choice the teens make. He sees the students for a maximum of 3-5 hours each week. Parents, you see them for a lot more than that. Do not expect your youth pastor – in the limited time he has each week – to fix your child.
Do not expect your youth pastor to take responsibility every time your child gets in trouble at church. When they complain that no one talks to them at youth meetings, ask them if they talk to others or if they hide in the corner expecting everyone to greet them. When they complain that the youth pastor is boring, his lessons are terrible and they don’t “get anything from them” ask your child what kind of attitude they have. If they come expecting not to learn, they won’t learn.
Teaching your child to take responsibility will go a lot further than blaming everything they do (or don’t do) on someone else.
God has given all of us some very unique and special gifts. Among them is the gift to teach, encourage and lead, but one thing he has not given to anyone – even youth pastors – is the ability to change hearts. That’s his job, so why don’t we let him?
